


reason to live

by aloeverava



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Cancer, M/M, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, pardon the shit job at tagging lmao, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:22:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloeverava/pseuds/aloeverava
Summary: He cuts him off again, voice growing louder. “Because you didn’t ask for this! You didn’t ask for your boyfriend to end up with fucking bone cancer! You just sit in that chair all day and look pathetic—”“‘Pathetic?’” The word is whispered, yet it holds the power to halt Tsukishima in his tracks.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 69
Collections: ☆彡 ask box fics





	reason to live

**Author's Note:**

> whoops

Maybe, in another life, Tsukishima would have been what they call a “nice person.”

Yamaguchi insists he’s a nice person.

_(“Tsukki, what do you mean by that? Of course you’re nice!”_

_He picks at the blanket pulled across his lap. It’s itchy and he hates sleeping with it, but he hasn’t bothered to express his concern to the nurses._

_Nice people don’t get death sentences. Nice people get soft blankets, and he isn’t “nice people.”_

_“Tsukki, don’t call it that! We’ve been over this before! You’re going to get through this—we’re going to get through this.”_

_He had clasped Tsukki’s fingers in his own, looked into his eyes with the earnestness of a goddamn prophet, and made Tsukki believe him.)_

“Hey, Yamaguchi.”

“Hm, Tsukki?”

“This is unfair,” he frowns. Yamaguchi smilies lightly, cocking his head to the side.

“Mm, and since when did you care about ‘unfair,’ Mr. Grumpy?”

Tsukishima scowls. He feels like a little kid.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” he mutters, which is code for, “This is actually kind of a serious thing.”

The brunette immediately sits forward, putting the homework in his lap onto the nightstand so he can prop his elbows on top of his thighs. (Tsukishima remembers homework. It wasn’t all that fun, but he envies Yamaguchi and his school assignments for a moment.)

“It’s unfair,” Tsukishima states again. He doesn’t know how else to word it, because really, Yamaguchi should just _get it_ , goddammit.

“…What is?”

He gives Yamaguchi a look that says, you know what is.

The boy frowns. “Of course it is. You don’t deserve—”

“Stop.” He almost picks a hand up to make a placating gesture, but abandons the thought for picking at the tape on his IV. “I wasn’t talking about me.”

“Then who—”

“You, dumbass.” Tsukishima can’t help but snarl. The tang of metal in his voice is the only way to keep the tears that threaten to spring at his eyes from surfacing.

“Tsukki, I love you, this isn’t unfair to me! How on earth—”

He cuts him off again, voice growing louder. “Because you didn’t ask for this! You didn’t ask for your boyfriend to end up with fucking bone cancer! You just sit in that chair all day and look pathetic—”

“‘Pathetic?’” The word is whispered, yet it holds the power to halt Tsukishima in his tracks.

“Yamaguchi, you know I didn’t mean it like that…”

In response, the other boy sits back in his chair. (Yamaguchi doesn’t know it, but the piece of furniture has earned a Yamaguchi-shaped indent in itself that Tsukki stares at in the brief moments that he’s not here, visiting Tsukishima.)

“… Why do you choose to be angry, Tsukishima?”

He doesn’t say “Tsukki,” not even “Kei.” A ball of dread drops into Tsukishima’s stomach. Now he’s done it.

_(“Yamaguchi, why do you call me that?”_

_“Call you what, Tsukki?” He laughs at himself immediately after, and even the corners of Tsukishima’s mouth have to quirk up at that. “Oh! Well, it’s cute!”_

_His response is simple. Just three words, the only reason Yamaguchi needs. It’s stupid, but Tsukishima appreciates the simplicity of his answer. It’s the first straightforward reply he’s gotten in weeks—because it’s always “the medicine will work soon,” or “there’s good news and bad news,” or “you should look on the bright side!”_

_With Yamaguchi, it was just three words.)_

But no, no, no, he couldn’t break now.

“I don’t choose to be angry,” he bites out. Ironic, because that’s exactly what he just did—and Yamaguchi knows so.

“Yes, you do, Tsukki.” Now it’s back to his signature nickname, but the two syllables don’t fit right somehow. They clash in the air with each other, as if a self-hatred drives it apart. It doesn’t want to be on Yamaguchi’s tongue.

At last, it comes to Tsukishima.

“Why not be angry?” Yamaguchi looks up. “Anger is better than tears, better than grief, better than the guilt.”

The brunette scoffs—scoffs, he never scoffs. “Are you kidding me? Grief? Guilt? You’re talking like you’re already dead, Tsukki!”

“Well it feels like I am!”

Silence.

No, scratch that. It’s never silent. There’s always the beep, beep, beep of the heart monitor. The reminder that he is alive.

Tsukishima wants to laugh at the irony of it all.

“Don’t visit me anymore, Yamaguchi.” He says the words because deep down, he wants Yamaguchi to protest, to remind him that someone cares, that he is still alive.

But it seems that he’s gone and made Yamaguchi wish he weren’t.

“Okay, Tsukki.” He nods. “If that’s what you want.”

* * *

Tsukishima doesn’t question it when the doctors say his life expectancy is looking grimmer than before. He doesn’t care, either.

(There’s a Yamaguchi-shaped indent in the chair, but no Yamaguchi.)

Because without him, what reason was there to live?

**Author's Note:**

> kudos r appreciated !
> 
> twitter: glutenfreeroach  
> ko-fi: aloeverava  
> tumblr: hairbleachwhore


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